Transcript
All Rights Reserved © 2015
PAR FOR THE COURSE After a particularly poor game of golf, a club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. A terrible shot. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. Fourteen people have been injured and the fire truck couldn't make it to a fire, and a building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT... A man is pulled over for driving erratically. The officer approached the vehicle and asked, “Any drugs or alcohol?” “No thanks,” The man replied, “I’m set.”
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EVERBODY IS SOMEBODY’ ELSES WEIRDO
A LION NEVER LOSES SLEEP OVER THE OPINION OF THE SHEEP
DON’T GIVE UP ON GOD; HE NEVER GIVES UP ON YOU
OKAY, SO I FOLLOWED MY DREAMS AND ALL I GOT WAS A BUNCH OF RESTRAINING ORDERS
WITHOUT DREAMS WE REACH NOTHING; WITHOUT LOVE WE FEEL NOTHING; WITHOUT GOD WE ARE NOTHING
On May 19, 1836, during a raid, Comanche Indians in Texas kidnap 9-year-old Cynthia Ann Parker and kill her family. Adopted into the Comanche tribe, she lived a happy life with them for 25 years until Texas Rangers recaptured her and forced her to live again among Anglo-Americans. Weakened by self -imposed starvation, she died of influenza. On May 18, 1920, Karol Jozef Wojtyla is born in Poland. Wojtyla went on to become Pope John Paul II, history's most well-traveled pope and the first non-Italian to hold the position since the 16th century. Pope John Paul II issued the Catholic Church's first apology for its actions during World War II. On May 21, 1932, aviator Amelia Earhart becomes the first pilot to repeat Charles Lindbergh's feat, landing her plane in Ireland after a 2,000-mile solo flight across the North Atlantic.
I WAS CHASING MY DREAMS WHEN I TRIPPED OVER REALITY AND HIT MY HEAD ON THE TRUTH
On May 23, 1941, Joe "The Brown Bomber" Louis beats Buddy Baer to retain his heavyweight title at Griffith Stadium in Washington, D.C. Baer knocked Louis through the ropes in the first round, but Louis clawed his way back and eventually gutted out a victory. On May 22, 1969, the legendary actor, philanthropist and automobile enthusiast Paul Newman makes his onscreen racing debut in the film "Winning." Three years later, Newman launched a racing career of his own, driving a Lotus Elan in his first Sports Car Club of America race. On May 24, 1971, at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, an antiwar newspaper advertisement signed by 29 U.S. soldiers supporting the Concerned Officers Movement appears. The ad was in support of the group's members who opposed the departure of the carrier USS Constellation for Vietnam. On May 20, 1995, President Bill Clinton permanently closes the two-block stretch of Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House to all vehicular traffic, citing the need for security. The road had been opened to traffic for nearly 200 years. (c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc.
I’M NOT CRAZY, I’M JUST SPECIAL...NO, WAIT...MAYBE I AM CRAZY...GIVE ME A SECOND...I HAVE TO TALK TO MYSELF ABOUT THIS....HOLD ON
SIGNS YOU SHOULD’VE TAKEN THE TRAIN 1. You overhear the pilot on the intercom saying to the co-pilot: "Hey, Frank, What's this gizmo do?" 2. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up. 3. The pilot says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet." IF STRESS BURNED CALORIES I’D BE A SUPERMODEL BY NOW
4. When you get back from the restroom the pilot is sitting behind you. 5. At some point during the flight, The pilot drunkenly announces, "I’m tired of flying to Chicago. Let’s go somewhere fun!" 6. The flight is delayed while the pilot counts the wings. 7. When you take off you can hear the pilot yelling "Wheeee!" 8. The pilot boards the plane wearing a uniform from a fast food joint. 9. Over the Public Address system you hear the pilot’s voice, "Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh." 10. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the cab driver who drove you to the airport. When you take off the pilot yells, "Wheeee!" 11. Just before the plane leaves the terminal the pilot makes the following announcement, “There will be a slight delay while I reboot the plane.” (this one is true)
I'M IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BED, WE SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER EVERY NIGHT
SERIOUSLY, THOSE FIVE MINUTES OF EXTRA SLEEP IN THE MORNING REALLY DO MATTER...NO, SERIOUSLY...I MEAN IT....ZZZZZ
I’M TRYING TO BE LESS NEGATIVE, BUT I KNOW IT WILL NEVER WORK
IF GOD ASKS YOU TO PUT SOMETHING DOWN IT IS BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO PICK UP SOMETHING GREATER
SOME PEOPLE FEEL THE RAIN WHILE OTHER JUST GET WET
I DON’T SUFFER FROM STRESS...I’M A CARRIER
A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN EVER HAVE
ALL SCRIPTURE IS INSPIRED BY GOD
BEHOLD; I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS - MATTHEW 28:20
WHAT ARE YOU, CHICKEN? A man walks into a restaurant and says, “How do you prepare your chickens before you cook them?” The chef replies, “We don’t do anything special, really. We just tell ‘em they’re gonna die.”
PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS After tucking their three-year-old child in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from the boy's ear. The little boy was delighted. In a flash, the boy snatched the penny from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!" I did a pushup today. Well, actually I fell down but I had to use my arms to get back up, so...close enough. Let’s have chocolate!
WHEREVER I AM, GOD IS
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH THE RIGHT ATTITUDE AND A HAMMER
DON’T JUDGE ME BECAUSE I’M SO QUIET. NO ONE PLANS A MURDER OUT LOUD...
Answers 1. A bale 2. Astronomy 3. 24 4. Scotland 5. Louis XIV 6. Nine
(c) 2014 King Features Synd., Inc.
7. John F. Kennedy 8. Charlie Chaplin 9. Penultimate 10. Shoulder blade
LIFE DOESN’T GET EASIER; YOU JUST GET STRONGER
1. ANIMAL KINGDOM: What is a group of sea turtles called? 2. SCIENCE: For what field of science was Tycho Brahe best known? 3. LITERATURE: How many book-length novels about Tarzan did Edgar Rice Burroughs write? 4. GEOGRAPHY: What part of the world was once called Caledonia by the Romans? 5. HISTORY: Which French king greatly expanded the Palace of Versailles and moved his court there? 6. MATHEMATICS: How many zeros are in the number 1 billion? 7. PRESIDENTS: Who was the only Roman Catholic president of the United States? 8. MOVIES: What early movie star made a career based on his portrayal of ‘The Tramp’? 9. LANGUAGE: What word describes the next-to-last event or item? 10. ANATOMY: What is the scapula more commonly known as?
TREAT EVERONE YOU MEET WITH POLITENESS; EVEN THE RUDE ONES. NOT BECAUSE THEY’RE NICE, BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE
TWO TEENAGE GIRLS ARE TALKING: “YOU’RE PARENTS ARE SO NICE!” THE OTHER ANSWERS, “THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE HERE.”
DEAR LIFE - WHEN I WONDERED ALOUD WHETHER THINGS COULD GET ANY WORSE, IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION...NOT A CHALLENGE
* It was a man named Thomas Jones who made the following sage observation: "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." * If you're like the average American, you order meals to take away from restaurants more often than you actually eat inside a restaurant.
ONLY GOD CAN TRULY JUDGE YOU
* You may be forgiven if you've never heard of Violet Jessup, who lived a remarkably fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on your point of view) life. At the age of 23, Jessup was serving as a steward on the RMS Olympic when the luxury liner collided with a British warship and sank. She survived to continue her profession, taking a position on the RMS Titanic less than two years later, in 1912. That didn't end well, as we all know, but once again, Jessup survived. Amazingly, she continued her oceangoing career, and during World War I she served as a nurse aboard the Hospital Ship Britannic. When the Britannic struck a mine and sank, Jessup was pulled underwater and hit her head on the keel of the ship. Despite her injuries, she was rescued once again. Three maritime disasters didn't seem to faze her, though; she remained a stewardess for the rest of her career. * In 2007, researchers using Google Earth discovered the world's largest beaver dam. Located in the wilderness of northern Canada, the dam is more than a half- mile long at 2,790 feet; experts estimate the structure was started in the mid-1970s. * If you're a resident of Ohio, please keep in mind that in that state, it is illegal to get undressed in front of a man's portrait. *** Thought for the Day: "The greatest analgesic, soporific, stimulant, tranquilizer, narcotic, and to some extent even antibiotic -in short, the closest thing to a genuine panacea -- known to medical science is work." --Thomas Szasz (c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc.
